His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
