I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
