just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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