New invention idea: vibrating tampons
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
