thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
