I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
