Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
