i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
