Have you finally orgasmed yet?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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