No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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