a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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