She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
