fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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