I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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