just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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