I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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