My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
