Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
