my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
