I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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