I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
