You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
