i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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