Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
