I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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