Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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