well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
