so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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