Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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