I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
