she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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