I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
