Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
