I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
