I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
