Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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