I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
