Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i think my mom watched the whole time
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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