yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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