Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
