I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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