If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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