scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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