Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
