you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
