Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
