So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
