I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
