I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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