I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
