Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
