I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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