Im at strip club and am horny
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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